John Oliver
John Cornelius Oliver is Daily Show Correspondent, or since he is British, Courrespondouent. He is awesome (He won some award yeah- read a book), and that is all you need to know. Don't bother reading anything else. He is trying to follow in the footsteps of Stephen Colbert, and is going completely the right tway. He is the only "Daily Show" correspondent to spell his first name right, unlike [[John Stewart|a certain Jewish person on The Daily Show.]] Oliver bears a striking resemblance to noted mega-trillionaire media mogul John Jay Viacom Jr. III. Some Daily Show fans are saying that John Oliver is the "British Stephen Colbert," He should not go back to England and make more jokes about fish and biscuits. It is possible that his attack on Joe Scarborough at the Reagan Presidential Library wa snot an outburst due to his man crush on the ugly pundit. John Oliver is now married to Florence Nightingale. The Colbert Report On April 2, 2008, Mr. Oliver appeared on The Colbert Report to endorse the practice of flying via suitcase class. "It's great," he remarked. "You don't have to deal with any smelly fat men or crying babies. Or crying men or smelly fat babies. You just have to share your cabin with a bowler hat and a cup of tea." Trivia * John Oliver is a legal alien, with a work visa. * He would rather use a lift than an elevator. * While not afraid of trucks, he is clinically frightened of lorries. * He thinks that Daily Show Correspondents are actually in front of a green screen instead of the actual place. This may be true for the others, but not Stephen Colbert, who always gets the news from the actual place. * John Oliver is descended from Henry VIII. * He is being forced against his will to be in this show. * He is awesome. * His real last name is Nickelby. * John Oliver has been rumored to be Stephen's replacement on The Colbert Report. * Rumored to be a Time Lord. * He uses Osama bin Laden's butt cheeks as earmuffs. * He thinks that Iran is like a teapot and that America should invade itself. * Before landing the job at The Daily Show, John spent 14 years as a tea-cozy for Queen Elizabeth II. * John Oliver was recently fired from The Daily Show after a series of arguments with John Stewart over how to pronounce aluminum, spell ton, and which side of the road to drive on. * Moonlights as a cabaret singer specializing in Disney movie theme songs. * John Oliver is secretly Stephen's half brother. Stephen had a British milkman as a child. * He was recently owned by the homecoming queen of Minnesota State University during an impromptu double heel-click off. Quotes "I've always striven to be both an entertainer and an irritant. I think that's why I feel so at home on The Daily Show."http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John+Oliver%3A+Comic+Crumpet/. "I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting."http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John+Oliver%3A+Comic+Crumpet/. "British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death."http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John+Oliver%3A+Comic+Crumpet/. "You should always carry a pocket-sized marble statue of Princess Diana around with you."http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John+Oliver%3A+Comic+Crumpet/. References External Tubes *John Oliver wins Libural Journalist Award of the Year *John Oliver's plan to retake America *John Oliver takes over Daily show, joo mysteriously disappears